Unfortunately, things did not go my way in Ethiopia today.  All the paperwork for my case was in order, but the birth family member (who relinquished my daughter) did not show up to testify in court, which is now required as part of the process.  I am disappointed, but I have seen this happen with other families several times before, and things do eventually work out.  In fact, it has never NOT worked out in cases like this.  AWAA has and will continue to work very hard to get my case passed in court, and I am very grateful for that. 

 

I have been assigned a new court date of November 24th.  I am disappointed that it is not sooner, but this is where I have to live out my faith.  I believe God will bring me and my daughter together; I believe that his timing is perfect; and I believe he is not one bit surprised by today's news.  Another family who passed court yesterday and will be traveling in November has graciously offered to take a care package to my daughter for me when they go.  I am grateful that my daughter is in the care of people who love her very much and are taking such good care of her, and that there are other families who are willing to love on her for me until I can get there myself. My daughter is happy and healthy, and has a smile that can light up an entire room! 

 

I am constantly reminded...the only thing about international adoption that is predictable is that it is unpredictable! 

 

 

Ten days until court!  I can hardly believe it...after all this time, ten days from now I could receive legal custody of my baby girl.  I cannot wait for everyone to see how beautiful she is.  Since July 22nd she has been the light of my life.  I stare at her pictures in amazement...this is my daughter! 

 

There is a possibility that I will not pass court on the 8th.  There is paperwork submitted to the judge on my behalf, and these judges can be real sticklers!  If one little thing is missing or out of order, it could result in a second court date.  But, it is all for the best.  I want the judge to be 100% certain that custody of this baby girl is being given to me for all the right reasons.  As much as my heart longs to hold her in my arms, I will go through whatever legal process is necessary--however long it takes. 

 

My tentative travel dates are October 24th - 30th.  Depending on which airline I end up taking, I could be leaving on the 23rd.  As I'm planning out projects and things to get done before I travel, I realize I only have 3 weekends left!!  Four weeks from today I could be holding my baby in my arms!  That really takes my breath away.

Even though I'm in a bit of a holding pattern until my court date, October 8th, in Ethiopia, there are still things to do and things to look forward to.

 

On August 11th, another AWAA family from the Twin Cities was in Ethiopia picking up their little girl, and I was able to send a care package and have them take pictures of my daughter.  It was so amazing seeing my friend holding my daughter in her arms!  She reported my baby girl is healthy, happy and very smiley.  Oh, that does a momma's heart good :)

 

Each month after our referral, and until we go to Ethiopia to pick up our child, we get an update from AWAA.  They send a couple new pictures and updates on height, weight and general health.  We are also able to ask five questions of the nannies caring for our child.  I should get my first update towards the end of August. 

 

Another single mom adopting through AWAA, who I've been in touch with since we were both in the El Salvador program (we both switched to the Ethiopia Program at the same time) will be leaving for Ethiopia the end of next week to get her baby girl.  She will also be taking a care package for my daughter and will get to hold her and take more pictures for me.  Oh, I can't wait to get her personal report of my little babe!

 

I have to update my home study.  This means another round of paperwork, a new set of fingerprints for the State of MN, and one home visit from AWAA's social worker. Our visit is scheduled for September 14th, so I have to go in and get printed before then.  "Book me, Danno!"  The home study reports are only good for 12 months, and it must be active when I travel to Ethiopia.

 

There will be another travel group of AWAA families going to Ethiopia September 12th - 18th.  I am allowed to send a photo release form with one family per travel group, so yes, I have someone in that group set up to take MORE pictures of my daughter!  I sit here some days with the reality that I have a daughter--I am a MOM!--but I won't be able to see her in person for another couple months.  So the pictures and updates from traveling families are of great comfort and reassurance to me. She feels so far away, and this helps bring her closer to home :)

 

At the end of September I will get another monthly update from AWAA.  And then...

 

Court on October 8th!  I will not be present for this court date.  We send a Power of Attorney and a representative from AWAA goes on our behalf. Since Ethiopia is about 9 hours ahead of us, my court proceedings will happen during the night while I am sleeping, and AWAA will call me the morning of the 8th with the results.  If I pass, I will get ready to travel.  If I do not pass, which is the case 30-40% of the time, I will hopefully be assigned a new court date shortly thereafter and the AWAA staff will work to get the judge what he/she needs in order for me to be granted legal custoday.

On Wednesday, July 22, 2009 I woke up thinking it would just another day in the wait.  We were having a summer picnic at work, so that would be something fun to look forward to.  I had made a rhubard cake the night before and needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up the whipped cream.  Work moved along as usual that morning. I had a meeting with 5 or 6 of my coworkers at 9:00.  As usual, I kept my cell phone in my pocket, which also had my home phone number forwarded to it.  When it rang, everyone stopped talking and looked expectantly at me...was this the call?  The caller ID registered an 877 area code.  Nope--just a marketing call.  After the meeting, my coworker and I went to the gym for a workout.  After all, it was picnic day and I was ready to eat a lot of great summer food!  After the gym it was back to work. Around 11:45 I heard people start preparing for the picnic so I headed to the kitchen area to help out.  I was soooo hungry looking at all that wonderful food, especially after working out an hour before. 

 

At 11:50, I heard my phone ring again. I pulled it out of my pocket, almost annoyed, thinking it was another marketing call. And then I saw the 703 area code and my heart leapt into my throat..."Hello, this is Sue." I answered.  The sweet voice on the other end said, "Hello Sue, this is Terra!"  I think I said something rude like "Just a minute!", and I clutched the phone to my chest and screamed to my coworkers standing in the kitchen, "This is my call!!!!" I ran back to my office.  One person said I jumped about a foot off the ground.  I closed my office door and then had a moment of panic--what if Terra was calling for some other reason??  So I said, "Terra, this is my call isn't it?"  She laughed and said yes, it was.  You see, getting that magical referral call puts you in a completely different place, where all logical reasoning flies out the window.   I immediately started crying and told her I was going to try not to cry through the entire phone call.  I don't remember her exact words after this point, but I did get "2 month-old baby girl," "absolutely beautiful," "healthy," and "e-mailing you pictures and forms to your home e-mail address."  My words were incoherent at that point.  Weeks before, I had created a list of question to ask Terra when I did get the call.  The list was somewhere near my phone and it never crossed my mind to look for it while she was on the phone with me.  We hung up and I tried to type in my home e-mail address to access that very precious e-mail that contained my daughter's face...my hands were shaking so bad I could barely type.  Ah, finally...there it was.  There were about 8 attachments and I pulled up two forms before I had the presence of mind to pick out only the JPEG files.  And there she was...my daughter's face staring back at me.  She was grinning from ear-to-ear.  I just melted.  Thank you, God, thank you, God, thank you, God.  She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen in my life. 

 

I heard tapping at my door and realized there was a group of people wanting to hear the results of my commotion.  The group filed in and I have never felt more proud in my life than that moment.  I presented my daughter to them--my daughter!!  I started calling my family and was only able to reach my sister.  I remembered that there was a picnic going on and I had been very hungry just moments before the call.  I went out and filled a plate with food...and I couldn't eat!  After a few minutes, I excused myself, saying I had to keep trying my parents.  I didn't eat again until 7:30 that night.  I did reach everyone in my family, and some close friends.  Nothing else mattered that day. I was flying high--Cloud 9 and then some!!  My world has changed--I have a daughter, and she is a precious gift from God.  I believe she was chosen especially for me, and I accept that tremendous responsibility with humility and honor. 

 

I cannot post her pictures or other identifiable information until after I pass court.  I have no idea when that will be, but I will hopefully receive notification of my court date in Ethiopia in the next 2-4 weeks.  I will not be present for that court date, but if I pass, I will travel about 2-3 weeks after that.  I will travel to Ethiopia to get my daughter.  I am a mom at last :)

This past Thursday morning at work I noticed an email come through from Terra Baily, my Family Coordinator at AWAA.  And then half a second later, I realized the subject line read "On Deck."  I'm on deck.  "America World anticipates that families with a DTE date on or before 10/3/08 (that's me!!) could receive a referral within the next one to two months."  That means it WILL be sooner rather than later.  AWAA is officially telling me in this very informative email that Baby Prause is in the works.  Soon, I will be matched with a baby girl and she will be moved from one of the orphanages to AWAA's Transition Home in Addis Ababa.  And I will get THE CALL..."Susan, this is your referral call!  You have a beautiful baby girl!" 

 

When I began this adoption process nearly three years ago, I had a very clear picture in my mind of becoming a mother through adoption. However, because we live in this world, and because international adoption is extremely unpredictable (yes, yes, I was warned), that picture of motherhood became rather blurry.  Where exactly would my child come from?  Would it be a boy or a girl?  Would there actually be a child, or was I on the completely wrong track for God's plan for my life? I repeatedly asked God for a sign that I was on the right path.  Should I pursue El Salvador? How long should I wait for the El Salvador program to produce referrals? Should I switch to the Ethiopia program? Should I take another look at domestic adoption? Sometimes God speaks in a very soft voice and I needed him to shout at me through a megaphone.

 

There are several AWAA families that had switched, like me, from the El Salvador program to the Ethiopia program. I had heard from several of them that they had received their dossiers back from El Salvador after making the switch.  I had never received mine.  It was obviously lost somewhere in El Salvador, I thought.  It probably never made it through the translation process and I was never in line for a child from El Salvador. I never received confirmation that my dossier was actually in El Salvador. What if it was stolen, or thown away?  This past Thursday, as I arrived home from work, still on a high from receiving my On Deck email, I noticed a package inside the front door of our building. It was for me, from AWAA.  It was my dossier from El Salvador. It was in a red folder with big bold letters on the front that said "FAMILIA PRAUSE."  It was very thick, as all the documents I had sent were translated into Spanish.  I brought it inside, and sat at the kitchen table with the old dossier in one hand and my On Deck email in the other, and I felt a sense of peace I haven't felt in a very long while.  I learned a great deal by going through the El Salvador experience, but didn't recognize at the time that it was a stepping stone, leading me to my daughter from Ethiopia. When I was making the choice to pursue the El Salvador program, I wasn't ready to choose Ethiopia, even though I was intrigued. I would have loved a child from El Salvador, but it wasn't meant to be. But God knew that going through that experience would prepare my heart, and the hearts of my family, for this very special little girl from Ethiopia. I didn't need God to use the megaphone; He just needed time to work in me. Sitting there at the kitchen table Thursday night, I heard Him, and I was able to look back on these past three years in a very different light. I started feeling that same excitement I felt when I first began this process...I'm going to be a mom!

March was a huge month for referrals.  April started off very slow, but there were 8 referrals just this past week!  My tracking list of the families in line ahead of me keeps shrinking, and the reality is starting to really sink in--this baby's coming, and it could be sooner rather than later!  I'm feeling a bit "gobsmacked," as my new hero, Susan Boyle, would say ;)  It's time to shift into overdrive in preparing for this little one to come home. There is a chance, perhaps a very small chance, that I could get a referral in time to get a court date before the court closures in August and September.  If that were to happen, I could be on a plane to Ethiopia by the end of August!  That's only (counting on my fingers)...a little over 4 months away!  Yikes!!  But, I believe the chances are greater that my court date will not be until October or even November, which would be fine. But I obviously have to be ready for the "sooner" option, should that miraculously come together, right??? I want everything to be perfect for that moment when she comes home--a perfectly clean, child-proofed home, a nursery out of the pages of American Baby magazine, and the knowledge from two dozen child rearing books firmly planted in my mind.  Ok, so I realize this may be a tad unrealistic, since it's I'm still having trouble deciding on a color to paint the nursery walls.  (I've got it narrowed down to "Blushing Princess," "Full Bloom," "Coral Flower," "Lotus Blossom," and "Peach Medley.")  Oh, how I wish Ty Pennington would walk through my front door and say, "Sue, you're an incredible woman who is doing this amazing thing by adopting a child from Ethiopia, and we here at Extreme Makeover: Home Improvement would like to send you on vacation to Costa Rica for a week while we give you an amazing home makeover that will make your life a whole lot easier!"  Hey, a girl can dream, right? 

 

 

There has been much movement in AWAA's Ethiopia program in the past 5 weeks, and I think we are all feeling a huge sigh of relief. Our children are coming home! When people ask me, "How much longer?" I have been hesitant to be anything other than vague in my answers.  It has been 2 1/2 years since I began this journey to adopt.  I live with that "How much longer?" question every day! But I am feeling more hopeful that it will, indeed, be this year that my daughter comes home. IF referrals continue to move they way they have been lately, and IF the court processes continue to improve, perhaps this will be the year my daughter comes home. I so long to make very real plans for her homecoming, but there is always the possibility that things could drag into 2010.  I have seen other AWAA families in the Ethiopia program go through the heartbreak of court delays and rescheduled court dates that goes on for months and months, and all they want is to hold and love on their precious children. And I have to face the fact that those delays could be a part of my journey, as well. So the nursery has virtually remained untouched, and there are a few early baby gifts from friends that remain in bags or boxes.  I just can't take them out yet.  Soon...I am hopeful it will be soon.

 

My faith teaches me that God's plan for our lives is often messy, but if we choose to follow Him, the rewards will be even greater than we could imagine ourselves. I was recently reminded by a very wise pastor that adopting a child from Africa as a single parent is certainly counter-cultural and that decision will not be understood or accepted by everyone. Jesus was certainly not understood or accepted by everyone, but He was faithful to God's will, as I am trying to be. Every fiber of my being longs to parent this little girl God has already chosen for me, and I am so hopeful that she will be here in our home one day in the not-too-distant future. Last night I was at a wedding reception and sat at a table with a couple with a very rambunctious 4-year old boy. In our conversation, I had shared with them that I am in the process of adopting a little girl, and as her little boy was jumping up and down in the chair next to me his mother asked, "Are you sure you're ready for this?" The little boy looked slyly at me and winked and I said, "Oh yes, I'm more than ready."

I've been thinking a lot lately about fear, and the power I've allowed fear to have over my life.  A friend recently wrote, "I know the power of fear AND the greater power of Jesus and His love."  (Thanks, Cindy!)  Learning to face our fears is part of living our faith in God.  Our pastor refers to it as "living the Kingdom," meaning the Kingdom of God, as opposed to living in the kingdom of this world, allowing our worldly fears to drive our choices and behaviors.  I can think of so many times in my life when I allowed fear to hold me back from taking risks.  In fact, I can remember saying aloud the words, "I could never consciously choose to be a single parent."  And here I am 8 or 9 months away from becoming a parent for real!  The reason this will happen is because I chose to address that small, nagging voice in my heart telling me to take a risk.  I believe that voice is God telling me, "Hey, this really is my plan for you.  It may not make a whole lof of sense right now, but there's going to be this baby girl in Ethiopia, and she needs you to be her mom.  Just trust me on this one!"  There is fear a plenty involved in this process, but I'm holding on tight to that tiny voice I can barely hear some days.  I'm not trying to be a hero, I just want to be a mom. 

 

There is so much that can and does go awry during the adoption process.  I have heard so many horror stories and yes, they make me fearful!  But all it takes is one photo of a family being united with their sweet child(ren), and I know that giving so much credit to fear only defeats the purpose of adoption.  Yes, I'm still afraid of all the things every new mom is afraid of, but God sent me on this journey, and I believe he will not forsake me or my daughter.  God not only wants us to be courageous in claiming our faith in Jesus, but also in living that faith in our daily lives. 

We were challenged today by a family on the AWAA Ethiopia Yahoo Group to take time to blog about that for which we are thankful in our lives.  The road of adoption, we have all learned, is not for the faint of heart, and it is often helpful and a bit therapeutic to reprioritize and take stock in that which is good and purposeful.  This past year has been difficult for me and my family, but I am grateful for where I am right now and with all that surrounds me.

 

* I am thankful for my family.  They are wonderfully supportive and quite possibly much more resilient than I have ever given them credit for being.

* I am thankful to God for all he has given me and how he has grown my heart over the past couple years.

* I am thankful that even though I feel called to adopt as a single parent, it is continually made clear to me that I am not alone.  My daughter will be most fortunate to be brought into this warm, loving community of friends, family and co-workers.

* I am thankful that I have a job that I love (most days ;0) and that continually challenges me.

* I am thankful that I have choices, every day of my life--that I can chose how to live my life, how to worship, what to eat, how to interact with others, how to spend my money, how to vote, and hopefully in about 12 months from now, how to raise my daughter.

* I am thankful for my church, Woodland Hills Church, that reminds me every week that I am part of something much bigger than myself and my individual needs.

 

God bless!

 

 

So what exactly is a DTE?  New country, new terminology.  A DTE stands for "Dossier to Ethiopia."  Once I have all my documents approved by AWAA and officially certified by the State of Minnesota, I can ship it to AWAA's corporate office in McLean, Virginia and they will give me a DTE when it is officially sent off to Ethiopia for approval.  I'm HOPING for a DTE sometime in September, but have been told by the social worker that USCIS may just spoil that plan, and not to be disappointed if the DTE doesn't happen until October.  So here's the final checklist:

 

1.  Receive revised home study report, police report and agency approval forms back from social worker (Stacie).

2.  Send new home study report to USCIS, along with application to switch my Form I-171H (Petition to Adopt from Abroad) from El Salvador to Ethiopia.

3.  Send home study and remaining documents to Terra at AWAA for approval.

4.  Receive new I-171H from USCIS.

5.  Take all dossier documents to State of Minnesota to be certified.

6.  Make copies of all dossier documents.

7.  Fed Ex dossier packet to Terra at AWAA in McLean, VA.

8.  Receive my DTE date from Terra.

9.  Do happy dance upon receiving DTE notification and head to Culvers for celebratory turtle sundae.

 

And then the paper pregnancy begins! 

It has been almost two years since I formally began the process to adopt a child. It has, thus far, been a journey unlike anything I could ever have imagined.  We Americans are so used to planning for something, doing the necessary work, and then seeing it through.  Sometimes there are bumps in the road, but we like our schedules, we like to keep things in line and on time.  I have not always handled this process well, but I have tried hard to maintain my faith and my sense of grace.  So now as I stand, once again, at a virtual crossroads in this journey, I have a decision to make.  And as I stand here, admittedly weary, I am realizing that sometimes faith means letting go.  I have been on this path heading towards El Salvador for over a year now; my shoes are worn and tired, but I feel as though I have traveled only a short distance.  The yearning in my heart has never wavered, but the picture of this child's face is so faint I cannot see it.  In the beginning it was so clear, but now there is on a sea of faces from many different countries, all crying out, "Come take us home!"  And I keep looking at those faces wondering, "Which one are you?"

 

I have not felt a sense of peace about staying with the El Salvador program for the past few months.  After hearing from AWAA's attorney in El Salvador, I believe my being on a perscription medication will pose a problem at some point in time.  It would put me in a high-risk category and I could end up waiting another couple years for a referral and have them say no at the last minute.  Thus, I am at the crossroads once again.  I have been so reluctant to let go of the idea of adopting from ES, but the reality is that may never happen.  People say things happen for a reason, and that whatever is meant to happen will happen.  I personally don't hold much stock in fate, but I do believe with all my heart that God has a plan for my life and for my child's life.  I could have switched to another program (i.e., Ethiopia) earlier, but for some reason, I wasn't ready.  And God knew I wasn't ready.  So he continued walking with me until I was ready to open my heart to something new.  Letting go is hard.  But he is by my side helping me to begin a new journey.  God uses everything for his glory, and I don't believe one minute so far has been wasted time or effort.  He is preparing me for a specific child, and he knows the reasons we need to be together.  I have a supporting role in this story, and if the director wants to change the script, my job is to learn the new part. 

The following message was posted on AWAA's website this morning.  I believe AWAA is doing everything they can to effect positive changes in the El Salvador adoption processes, and are partnering with other organizations (like Identity for Children) that will hopefully have influence with the Salvadoran adoption agencies.  Your prayer support over AWAA's involvement in these talks is appreciated.

 

"Brian Luwis, our CEO, is planning an upcoming trip to El Salvador, however has delayed confirming a date for this trip as he attempts to arrange meetings with high level officials at USAID and with the El Salvador Ambassador in the hopes of influencing the El Salvador government officials to make changes in their adoption processing.  Brian is also working on setting up a meeting with officials at the El Salvadorian Embassy here in Washington, D.C.  We are hopeful that the close relationship between our governments could be influential in bringing about change.  Please pray that doors will be opened, that meetings will be arranged quickly and that all parties involved will be receptive.

"Had I known then what I know now, would I have made the same decision?"  An age-old question I've asked myself dozens of times in the past few months.  If, back in July 2006, I had known all that I would go through with this adoption process, would I have made the same decisions, or would I have done things quite differently?  After China made the decision in December 2006 to no longer work with single parent applicants, the decision I made to switch to the El Salvador program with AWAA was not an easy one, but it was a very thoughtful and well-researched decision, I felt.  I was warned so many times that international adoption is often a journey into the unknown, but it seemed like the best decision for me.  Now that I've had an opportunity to change courses again, I've decided to remain on this very unpredictable road to El Salvador, even though it could take another year or possibly two.  So many times I've thought, "If only I had started the adoption proceedings with China 6 months earlier, I would have gotten in for sure and wouldn't be in this predicament now."  But I wasn't ready to think seriously about proceeding with an adoption six months before I did.  So I have to trust that God led me to take action when I was supposed to.  Yes, it might have been easier if I had started earlier and been able to proceed with China, but when I did start, no one predicted there would be changes with China.  The changes that happened after I applied caught everyone off guard, just like these delays with El Salvador.  When I started the El Salvador program, the agency had every reason to believe things would go along smoothly, and within a particular timeframe.  The only thing that is predictable with international adoption is that it is unpredictable.  Ah, now I understand!

 

While I don't doubt that I could love a child from Ethiopia, it felt like I would be switching for the wrong reasons.  I didn't want to switch programs from El Salvador to Ethiopia just because it looked like an easier path, or that I would be guaranteed an infant.  Those reasons were enticing, particularly since we have no guarantees just how long it will take to get a referral from El Salvador.  I kept picturing myself with an Ethiopian child and feeling very Anjelina Jolie-ish. And I did have many friends and family promise their support if I were to adopt an Ethiopian child. Several AWAA families did switch to other countries, many of them to Ethiopia, and it was often tempting to think that perhaps they were making the wise decision and that I should follow suit.  But as many times as I thought of picking up the phone and calling AWAA to make the switch, I could never bring myself to actually do it.  A very small voice kept saying, "Stick it out with El Salvador."  This is, ultimately, about remaining faithful to God's plan for my life, and the life of my child. Perhaps God needs this time with me for further preparation.  I have decided to start taking Spanish classes, and I am very excited about this.  I am also thinking of planning a vacation with my mom this year, which I probably wouldn't be doing if I were switching to Ethiopia (because it is a more expensive program). 

 

I am also considering raising the age range of a child, from 0-3 up to 5 or 6.  I will have a home study update within the next month, and will discuss it with the social worker.  My desire to become a mother has never wavered; but the picture of exactly what that will look like keeps evolving.  I trust that God knows quite a bit more about this than I do.

These past 3-4 months have been admittedly difficult for me.  My schedule was overloaded, and I was spreading myself far too thin.  I was tired, was eating poorly, not exercising enough, and was having difficulty focusing on what was important--my health!  All this has resulted in an elevated blood pressure once again.  It was slightly up last fall at my regular check-up at the Cardiovascular Center, but I was convinced I could get it back down.  But stress took its toll, and it was always "Tomorrow I'll get back on track."  As you can guess, "tomorrow" never really became "today."  So this mom-to-be had to humble herself and recognize the first step in parenting is to first take care of yourself.  If I'm not well, I won't be able to care for my child.  So I called Christi at AWAA and laid it all out for her.  Surprisingly, she said my going back on the medication may not make a difference at this point.  It may make me more high risk than other applicants not on medication, but she feels confident I can continue and complete an adoption.  But I still have a decision to make.

 

Christi just returned from a short trip to ES, where she met with the Director of the OPA.  They simply don't have the resources, human and technical, to get through the many, many dossiers they have received in a timely manner.  There are also resource issues at the ISNA in ES, who work to finalize adoptions along with the OPA.  So AWAA has increased the wait time from 12-18 months to 18+ months.  They are also offering each ES family the opportunity to switch programs by March 1, 2008 with a full transfer of funds already paid to the new program.  The only other program I could afford (that works with single women) is the Ethiopia program.  I talked with the Ethiopia program director to gather some information.  She feels I would easily be accepted into that program, even being on medication for my blood pressure.  The cost would be about $4,000 more than the ES program, which I could probably work out.  And, I would most likely be able to get an infant as young as 3 months old within 4-7 months of dossier submission.  I told both Christi and the Ethiopia director that my heart is still with ES at this point; I am still very emotionally attached to adopting a child from El Salvador.  My fear, though, is that I will wait another 10-12 months, get a referral, and then be denied because I went back on the medication.  Christi feels a letter from my doctor stating that I am healthier while on the medication, and that I needed to go back on it due to the stress of the adoption would suffice.  By switching programs, I also admit I would feel that I am abandoning my child in ES.  The wait time could certainly increase, or it could miraculously decrease. 

 

The thought of having an infant is tempting, and there have been several adoptions finalized through Ethiopia within AWAA.  The question I am trying to answer is whether Ethiopia is looking so tempting because I am losing faith in international adoption, and Ethiopia looks more safe than ES.  And perhaps I am questioning my ability to hang through this for another year or so.  After all, I haven't been dealing so well with stress.  Families who have adopted from ES through other agencies have all said it takes about 2 years to complete, and that after receiving their children from ES, it was all worth it--no regrets.  So perhaps this additional wait will be a continued less in faith for me--faith in God's plan for me and this child from ES, and faith in my ability to parent in times of adversity.

I've heard from other adoptive parents that the first year of waiting goes pretty much as expected, but that after the 12-month point the anxiety level raises dramatically.  I'm at the six month point today, and due to the lack of activity from the OPA, am finding myself feeling a bit in limbo.  Chances are good that I may not even get a referral until late next year, which means I may not travel until 2009.  However, things could pick up dramatically over the next six months, and I could get my referral right on schedule.  All the ES families are feeling this.  We hope, we pray, but, because of our very human nature, doubt creeps in and creates this gray void in our thinking.  What if 2008 comes and goes with no referral?  Can I hang in there that long?  Is my faith strong enough to get me through this unknown period of simply waiting?  How do I prepare?  The longer we wait, the more expenses we incur, as forms have to be updated and re-filed. 

 

The question I've found myself asking lately is, why am I pursuing international adoption?  Why don't I just cut my losses and turn to domestic adoption.  If I did that, I would be adopting an older child who is a ward of the state, coming from the foster care system.  I could probably get a toddler, but would it be the same?  If my goal is to be a mother and I am trusting God that he will bring me the child I am meant to have, then does it matter what route I pursue?  I believe it does.  Part of trusting God is learning to listen to Him.  There have been times when I have definitely known that I was not following His will for my life.  It's that pit in the stomach that doesn't go away.  When I know I'm following His will for my life, I feel a sense of peace, even in the face of uncertainty...like now.  Amidst all the changing timelines, underneath all the layers of doubt and questions, there is a small, steady sense of peace.  That, I believe, is God telling me that I am on the right path, even when I am unsure about what I see in front of me.  I have no idea how long this will actually take.  But even if it does take until 2009 to get my child, I believe God has a reason for that.  Maybe it's financial.  Maybe things would be too tight for me if I were to get my child in six to eight months.  Maybe the mother of my child just now found out she is pregnant and is scared, not knowing what to do.  Maybe God needs 2008 to do more work in me to prepare me for motherhood.  Whatever the case, the referral will come.  The phone call will come from Christi saying that she has a child just for me.  And then I will know, without a doubt, that it couldn't possibly be any other child than that one. 

 

So God, I thank you in advance, knowing now that you are preparing my child, his or her birthparents, and me for this extraordinary adventure.  I will be faithful and do everything I can to prepare myself.  I am ready for 2008 and all that you have in store for my life.

There are women my age who have children who are in college.  That freaks me out somedays.  I walk around the campus while at work and look at the students passing by and think to myself, "You could be my child."  So what made me so different that I didn't end up married and pregnant in my mid-20's like so many other women?  In my very cynical moments I rationalize that in my younger days I wasn't flirty enough, that I was more mature than most guys I was meeting at the time, or that I wasn't attractive enough (unfortunately, I heard that one too many times from various men).  Luckily, discovering my identity in Christ has vastly improved my self-image.  But I am an oddity in today's society:  a single, heterosexual, 44 year-old woman who has never been married.  Yeah, what's up with that?

 

Marriage and children seem to come so easily to some people, and they seem so elusive for others, like me.  Either I've been incredibly stupid in my life choices so far, or God has a plan for me as a single woman, about to become a single mother.   It's not like I've had this longing desire to become the poster child for single women who adopt.  I have had a longing desire to mother a child.  I still have a desire to be married, and I pray God will help me make wise choices towards that goal.  But for some reason that desire is not nearly as strong as the one to become a mother.  So when a desire becomes so strong that you feel compelled to act on it, even when it doesn't make sense, you have to believe that's God giving you a pretty strong nudge.  And furthermore, I have to believe that he knows the specific child I will adopt.  There were many avenues I could have taken to adopt, and yet all roads seemed to keep coming back to the El Salvador program through AWAA.  It was as if God was purposely closing all the other doors and saying, "THIS is the door you need to open!  Through this door you will find my plan for your life." 

 

I felt a strange sense of peace with this path, and I say strange because this was clearly not going to be an easy path.  There were obstacles to overcome, and once I overcame those I discovered even more obstacles yet to come.  It's been almost 16 months since the first test families submitted their dossiers to El Salvador, and still there are no referrals from this program.  The OPA is overwhelmed with applications and is working to change some of their judicial processes, which will still take another few months.  I'm still being told my referral will come next summer or early fall, but I know from what's happened so far that timeframe could easily change.  And yet, when I bring my fears to God, he keeps reassuring me for some reason.  I have to believe there is a child in El Salvador who needs me in his/her life as much as I need him or her.  That, I believe is God's plan, and the more I accept that plan, the more peace I find.  A life plan from God is not always easy, but it will only bring good ("...a plan to prosper and not to harm"), and that's what I hold onto.

As I come in contact with more and more people who are in the process of adopting, particularly those in the AWAA El Salvador Yahoo Chat Group, I am understanding how difficult it is to turn our trust completely over to God in this adoption process.  With a biological pregnancy you can pretty much count on nine months of waiting.  With an adoption paper pregnancy, however, the wait time is unpredictable, which tends to play on your emotions.  Most days I do trust completely that God is in control of this process and the timing, which is beyond my understanding.  But there are days when fear creeps in and I wonder if God really does have a child for me.  El Salvador is in the proces of "cleaning out" their old adoption system, as new laws and processes are put into place to comply with the Hague Treaty.  There are several families from the "old" system that still don't have their children, mostly European families.  This is the cleaning up process to which they refer.  The initial AWAA test families, who submitted their dossiers well over a year ago, will be the first to receive their referrals from the "new" system, once the old system is cleaned up.  So they have been told to wait a bit longer.  "A bit longer" could mean a couple months, or several months.  It's exactly that uncertainty that toys with the emotions of ALL the AWAA El Salvador families.  We are all anxious to see these first referals come through, to see the system actually working. 

 

I heard a beautiful poem read on the radio program Revive our Hearts (by Nancy Leigh DeMoss) last Friday.  It is a wonderful reminder that this period of waiting is not a stagnant time, but an active, vibrant time to learn about God's will for our lives and to experience his abundant love for us.  I am also reminded that this child, as precious as he or she will be to me, is not the end goal for my life.  God has much work to do in me and through me, and this child is only a part of that plan.  The poem is by Russell Kelfer and I hope you find it helpful to your life journey, as well.

 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, 
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting . . . for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
Tthat the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

They call this wait period the paper pregnancy.  Like many pregnant mothers, I am in a time of preparation for the arrival of my child, thinking of ideas of how to decorate his or her bedroom, pricing out childrens' clothing, toys and essentials in the stores, and noticing diaper coupons I will be clipping next year at this time.  I am keeping a list of names I like--coincidently, I have decided I will wait for my referral before deciding on a name for my child, as I want to wait to learn the child's given name and see if I can incorporate that as his/her first or middle name.  Trabajo en mi espanol cada dia (I am working on my Spanish every day).  The big advantage I have over pregnant women is that I won't have the growing belly hindering me.  I am working on SHRINKING my belly, not growing it!

 

My underlying thought every day is that I have approximately 12 months of time...time to prepare myself, time to prepare my home, time to live it up as a single person, time to do things I may not be able to do as a single mother, time to learn as much as I can, time to lose weight and get in shape, time to read...it gets a bit overwhelming at times.  I have a full life right now, and much of what I'm involved in now will have to be given up.  There are some things I will still be able to do as a single mom, and I'm fortunate to have many friends with children.  I look forward to arranging play dates for our kids (and for us mommies!).  And I truly do look forward to spending time with my child!  But I recognize that my life as a single mother will be much different than it is now.  I'm a 43-year old single, living alone, and there's a good amount of selfishness involved in this lifestyle.  I can make a nice pot of coffee, and sit down at the computer at 8:00 a.m. in my pajamas with a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies (without having to explain to a toddler that he can't have cookies at 8:00 a.m.) and blog about my thoughts...and yes, that's exactly what I'm doing right now, even if it doesn't aid in the process of shrinking my belly ;)  So yes, I will enjoy this year.  I will focus on practical things I can do in preparation, and I will pray that God will work out all the details I can't control.

 

AWAA has a Yahoo chat group for families adopting from each country they work with, and I recently got into the El Salvador group.  It is so wonderful to chat with other families and single women going through the same process I'm going through.  No one has received their referral yet, and we are all anxiously waiting to see which family will get the first referral.  One of the first families to send their dossier to El Salvador (in May 2006) is from Forest Lake, MN, which is just north of where I live.  Lori and Dave have 4 biological sons and want to adopt a little girl.  Lori and I are planning on getting together soon for dinner.  I am so happy my child will have a Salvadoran "sister" so close. 

 

Adios para ahora, mis amigos, y dios le bendiga!

 

Sue

 

 

 

The dossier is on its way to El Salvador.  The Salvadoran attorney chosen by AWAA, Jose Alexis Castro Ramirez, is now my key link to becoming a mother.  AWAA is still awaiting the very first referral from El Salvador, which happens to be a Twin Cities family.  They submitted their dossier to El Salvador in May 2006, so it has been just over 12 months, still within the stated 12-14 month wait time predicted by El Salvador.  I think we will all feel better if that referral comes through soon, and within that time range.  I've been told the first 12 months of the wait go pretty smoothly.  Then, every time the phone rings, your heart jumps!

 

The realization that I will be a mother within the next year and a half is slowly sinking in.  I find myself savoring my quiet evenings at home, in control of the TV and, more importantly, my time.  I talk to so many women who are mothers and hear them say how precious even 30 minutes alone can be.  I'm 43 years old, and will most likely be 45 (or very close to it) by the time my child arrives.  How am I supposed to give up my freedom??  This is a question I ask myself in those quiet, serene moments.  I'm a home-body who loves my home...and I'm going to let a toddler come in and take over??  I'm told these brief lapses into hysterics are normal and expected, particularly for "older" adoptive parents (yikes, I'm in that category!).  I am ready to give my life over to a 2 year-old (or however old he/she will be), and willingly so.  This next year will be an important time of preparation, and of letting go of my single life.  I am ready to allow myself to change, and to be changed, even though I admit it's frightening at times.  There's nothing I regret not doing at this point in my life.  I feel blessed that God has brought me to a place of peace in this decision to pursue motherhood as a single parent.  This is simply the next chapter of my life, and I'm getting ready to embrace it with open arms. 

 

 

Hello friends,

 

As this process continues to unfold, I am amazed at the level of scrutiny adopting families must undergo.  My social worker, Stacie, explained to me that even though this child will officially belong to me through adoption, El Salvador still considers its adopted children Salvdorans, and they must be "absolutamente" certain that the adopting families can pass every test thrown at them.  My physical exam went very well, and my blood pressure continues to improve without medication (praise God!).  My weight is down 27 pounds, which feels great!  The psychological exam was very interesting, and I can officially say I am not nuts :)  My IQ test went very well, and I was ranked in the "above average to superior intelligence" range, so when my child someday tells me that I am stupid and "don't know anything," I can show them my report and prove them wrong.  Sorry kiddo, got one up on you already!  I got fingerprinted yesterday for the FBI, and can prove that my cat's vaccinations are up-to-date (no seriously, they need that). 

 

Stacie and I had our final home study visit last Tuesday (4/17), and she brought the first draft of my home study report for me to review.  It is about 11 pages long and gives every (well, almost every!) sordid detail of my life thus far.  Once Stacie completes the report, it goes to her supervisor for review, and then to the AWAA corporate office for the Latin America Program Director to review.  Then final copies will be printed and notarized, and one copy will be sent to the USCIS to complete my petition to adopt from abroad.  Shortly thereafter, I should receive my I-171H form from them, which is my golden ticket to adopt internationally.  I received a certified copy of my birth certificate from Michigan, and then had to sent it back to the Secretary of State in Michigan to be apostilled (an authentication process for notarized documents being sent to another country).  Notarized documents being sent to another country must be apostilled in the state in which they were notarized.  My family coordinator at the AWAA corporate office in Virginia sent me two notarized documents from their office, and yes...you guessed it...I had to send them BACK to Virginia to be apostilled there!  All my documents notarized here in Minnesota will also need to be apostilled, but luckily I can make an appointment to have that done in person. 

 

If all the stars and planets align just right, and I get a good turnaround time with my paperchasing, I'm hoping to be able to submit my dossier to El Salvador by the end of May/beginning of June.  Then it will be approximately a 12-14 month wait for a referral.  My home study officially states that I am requesting a child of either sex up to 36 months old.  That is quite a change from my original expectation of adopting a female infant from China.  I could get a 3-year old little boy!  But I could also get a 12-month old girl.  I'm putting it firmly in God's hands, and being as open as I possibly can in my application so as not to delay the process unnecessarily.  As I've stated before, I believe in my heart that God already knows the specific child I will be adopting, and he has good reason for uniting me with that particular child at the specific time we will meet.  It is a daunting process, to say the least, but I realized this would be a leap of faith from the very beginning. 

 

Adios para ahora, mis amigos, y dios le bediga!

(Bye for now, my friends, and God bless you!)